tues. 7/22/08 - tues. 7/29/08

i've had a great week... we decided, well actually i decided, that we needed a little beach getaway on the spur of the moment. jon was off fri. and i have a b-day this fri. and we'd been talking about what we wanted to do. all the old ideas just didn't seem appealling... i was considering doing a seemingly interesting continuing ed. on individuation (jung) but i think the money was better spent on all of us for a little getaway. indeed it was just what we needed! however i did lapse 2 times on my meditation, as i fell asleep prior to doing this. of the other times i did meditate, i did have a wonderful experience meditating on the beach. asanas we're completed also, all throughout the days just to help keep everything moving while traveling. we're all doing asanas these days, last wed. night we all completed asanas and i did shavasana massage w/my husband and son. it was very nice. still feeling like i'm wading through some muck but putting more and more energy into not being so hard on myself. i need to remember my original intention of this whole training, it wasn't to be a yoga teacher or a yogi or any of those things but to develop greater personal care skills. for me, caring for myself doesn't need to be forced or someone else's idea of what that means but what it means for God and i and my awesome loved ones. shedding ideas of what "should" be and what "is" is enough work in and of itself for me. when i think about that everything else almost just seems silly. the other stuff will happen if it is to be... i can't be tied to my idea of the outcomes, they're never as good anyway;-) i don't know where all of this is leading but i have to keep my faith, as i have no reason to doubt it and i only get into more trouble when i do and try to "make" things happen. relying on faith and surrendering is so wonderful but a constant practice. i'm thankful to be learning...

sat. 7/12/08 - mon. 7/21/08

soooo, last weekend my husband, son, and i spent the weekend in asheville. this was a great opportunity to test myself on just how do-able my new practices are while in an environment that i have very little, if any, control over the variables (which could easily be distractions if i allow) that could prevent this practice. it went very well, i just had to continue to remind myself of not being attached to the outcomes, or the "things" i like to have in order to get me there (meditating, as well as asana practice). i was proud of myself, but i didn't want to be attached to that either so i was grateful to God for this further integration.... once we came home i observed how the travel effected my practices throughout the week as the beginning of the week wasn't as regimented as before i left to go out of town. however i tried to just observe this with as little judgement as possible because otherwise i became too hard on myself and began making negative judgements about self worth, etc. which always get me in trouble. again, i had to trust that God was with me in all and all is well in God.

i continue to meditate twice daily, even when i think i can't, i really just have to because it has truly become part of my day. the same as praying, eating, loving my family, etc. during the next weekend (7/18 - 7/20) while at yoga teacher training i had two very intense meditations as the room was very quite and it was in a group. these meditations reminded me of past visions i've had about my role and serving others. lately i've been afraid of moving forward with this but i've put the fear aside and began taking on the role more and more of serving others. these meditations validated what has been coming clearer... it's time to increase the serving. currently this is by making myself more available to more than my select few that i feel safest because i have a lot to give. the vision in the meditation assured me of this, as well as my support from ALL around me. i've been doing more of this already over the past couple weeks. it has been very draining on me and i'm by no means perfect but that's okay because God continues to provide the assurance i need as long as i surrender. God knows when i'm weak and i see His constant interceding. and that too is just so humbling. the self worth issues arise too, but this is just another form of not trusting and having faith in God so i have to let those go.

for the last twenty years i've been avoiding my power. though i've always had some running knowledge of it, i've not fully embraced it and relied on God. i've made false attempts, many of these even brought "success" for a while but they all have ultimately failed me. God is the only One that hasn't. He is the only One that will not, as He is the Source. it's hilarious that i need so many reminders of this, and even more hilarious that He does it! why??? i wonder so often but i'm beginning more and more to not have to know why but accept and do while leaving the rest to Him, as that is all He wants. wow!!! i do love this! as much as i may appear and act as i don't, when i do surrender it is truly amazing and it makes me want to do it more and more and more...

the Sutras were solace for me over the past few weeks. they reminded me of what i've always known from the Bible, the I Ching, etc. but more importantly, as i heard in my meditation, i had it all along. i know all of this, it is innate in me. the understanding comes so easily for me. i have to really watch this however because the ego likes too that it comes easily. i don't want to abuse this Power and will continue to work on myself, with God and in God, to minimize and prevent abuse... again, my focus has to be to serve God, not myself. however as i know too well, He'll remind me if i forget... the intensity of the reminders are all up to me. i sure hope i'm paying attention the first time;-)!

tues. 7/8/08 - fri. 7/11/08

wow! though the resistance still remains, the results are undeniable... though everyday i get a little whisper from "tamas" about practicing yoga (all that it entails) it is becoming quiter and not near as seducing. though today i've taken it easy (tamas and i hung out some this morning as raja had worn me out this week), the other days have been very busy wading through my past inertia that left quite a financial mess for all of us. what i've accomplished this week would not have happened in the past using "my" means. as i continue to surrender more and more to my True Self, the Divine within, amazing things happen. i still get a little concerned that it could all fall apart very quickly but i find that i am able to transform that fear into motivation to keep putting one foot in front of the other... meditate even if i can barely stay awake, do asanas even during the "5 day break" (even if it's just 2 or 3), utilize the 4 keys from the sutras when interacting w/others even when my mind chatters otherwise, etc. so, everyday i get this just a little more, or a lot more. it's getting easier and i'm grateful, humbled, and joyous!

fri. 7/4/08 - mon. 7/7/08

what a wonderful holiday weekend! one of my brothers that lives in ga. came into town and brought his new girlfriend. they seem very happy together and make an adorable couple. we spent the whole weekend w/friends and family... it was such a wonderful time! we went out on the lake, had a block party at my parents w/fireworks, lot's of grilling out/cooking for each other, sharing old & new memories, hiking around on our family farm, etc.

i'm definately seeing the fruits of my labor as this was the sort of weekend that in the not so distant past i would've spent most of my time distracted by things that don't fulfill (i.e. substances) "trying" to "relax" and "enjoy" myself as opposed to completely immersing myself into the moment and truly living life as i did this weekend w/my loved ones in this beautiful place we live. i was also able to maintain my commitment to meditation twice daily, asana practice, prayer, devotion, service to others, and all that other good stuff! it feels great to finally be finding my balance and enjoying the flow! the old ways continue to become less and less attractive as i rediscover my True self... i still have weak moments but they are little power now and i've got so many tools to transcend that they pass quickly. my transformation is also rubbing off on everyone around me and we all just keep inspiring each other, it's amazing! i am grateful.

thurs. 6/26/08 - thurs. 7/3/08

i continue to meditate twice daily and have greatly expanded my asana practice. really practicing the standard subtle yoga class. i practice teaching it sometimes too. i've also began getting up earlier so that i have time to do all of this. the goal is to get it all in before my son wakes up. most the time that happens but sometimes it doesn't but he's getting very good at knowing that mommy does meditation and asanas every morning so he waits until i'm done. he'll join me sometimes too. that's usually pretty fun and funny!

i'm getting much better w/boundaries, keeping a positive attitude and continuing to be grateful and non-judgemental as possible. it's really working! it doesn't mean things are perfect and utopia but it does mean that i can go with the flow w/more ease and less distractions... i'm grateful for this whole experience and am finding myself getting comfortable w/beginning to pass this on to others than just my husband and son. i'm also getting more comfortable with the idea of teaching and it's actually getting exciting for me, however i'm keeping the intention of not getting too attached to any ideas of how that has to manifest.

well, my son and i need to get a picnic packed... happy 4th!