sat. 7/12/08 - mon. 7/21/08

soooo, last weekend my husband, son, and i spent the weekend in asheville. this was a great opportunity to test myself on just how do-able my new practices are while in an environment that i have very little, if any, control over the variables (which could easily be distractions if i allow) that could prevent this practice. it went very well, i just had to continue to remind myself of not being attached to the outcomes, or the "things" i like to have in order to get me there (meditating, as well as asana practice). i was proud of myself, but i didn't want to be attached to that either so i was grateful to God for this further integration.... once we came home i observed how the travel effected my practices throughout the week as the beginning of the week wasn't as regimented as before i left to go out of town. however i tried to just observe this with as little judgement as possible because otherwise i became too hard on myself and began making negative judgements about self worth, etc. which always get me in trouble. again, i had to trust that God was with me in all and all is well in God.

i continue to meditate twice daily, even when i think i can't, i really just have to because it has truly become part of my day. the same as praying, eating, loving my family, etc. during the next weekend (7/18 - 7/20) while at yoga teacher training i had two very intense meditations as the room was very quite and it was in a group. these meditations reminded me of past visions i've had about my role and serving others. lately i've been afraid of moving forward with this but i've put the fear aside and began taking on the role more and more of serving others. these meditations validated what has been coming clearer... it's time to increase the serving. currently this is by making myself more available to more than my select few that i feel safest because i have a lot to give. the vision in the meditation assured me of this, as well as my support from ALL around me. i've been doing more of this already over the past couple weeks. it has been very draining on me and i'm by no means perfect but that's okay because God continues to provide the assurance i need as long as i surrender. God knows when i'm weak and i see His constant interceding. and that too is just so humbling. the self worth issues arise too, but this is just another form of not trusting and having faith in God so i have to let those go.

for the last twenty years i've been avoiding my power. though i've always had some running knowledge of it, i've not fully embraced it and relied on God. i've made false attempts, many of these even brought "success" for a while but they all have ultimately failed me. God is the only One that hasn't. He is the only One that will not, as He is the Source. it's hilarious that i need so many reminders of this, and even more hilarious that He does it! why??? i wonder so often but i'm beginning more and more to not have to know why but accept and do while leaving the rest to Him, as that is all He wants. wow!!! i do love this! as much as i may appear and act as i don't, when i do surrender it is truly amazing and it makes me want to do it more and more and more...

the Sutras were solace for me over the past few weeks. they reminded me of what i've always known from the Bible, the I Ching, etc. but more importantly, as i heard in my meditation, i had it all along. i know all of this, it is innate in me. the understanding comes so easily for me. i have to really watch this however because the ego likes too that it comes easily. i don't want to abuse this Power and will continue to work on myself, with God and in God, to minimize and prevent abuse... again, my focus has to be to serve God, not myself. however as i know too well, He'll remind me if i forget... the intensity of the reminders are all up to me. i sure hope i'm paying attention the first time;-)!