wed. 9/17 - mon. 9/22/08

each day i have practiced asanas and meditated twice.

thurs. 9/4- tues. 9/16/08

whew.... what a weekend and monday! anyway... it's been longer than normal for me to journal my meditation and asana experience so here it goes! i continue to meditate twice daily and practice asanas, however i did miss last night and one night last week. on both occasions i had fallen asleep on the couch and when i awoke i went on to bed. otherwise, i continue regularly and generally look forward to this time. i began using a new mantra (thank you K) and have enjoyed that... i've also been meditating more outside, which i absolutely love! mostly doing so during the day but have done so at night and that was really cool!

my husband is expressing interest in beginning to meditate as well. he also sees the benefits this has had for me, which ofcourse benefits him and our family. though i've had challenges i can see where this practice has enabled me to tread the water as opposed to completely letting myself be taken under by the circumstance/emotion, and so can he... that's what i call progress;-)

my prayer is that i can continue to rest in this new place as i begin to transition to another part of my journey (very possibly starting a new job in the next few weeks). i know that there will be an adjustment period but i am committed to being compassionate with myself and others while relying on God for all. prayer, devotion, sacred texts, and ofcourse, meditations and asanas will all help to remind me of this reliance.

i've also had a wonderful experience of asking for more help from others and being able to better receive this help. that has been very hard in the past for me... i'm so appreciative of my family and friends and i just can't thank them enough. the support has been tremendous! it also allows me to continue the giving, and the receiving, with others... pretty cool! our network of love is surely underway!

wed. 8/27 - wed. 9/3/08

whew, meditating sick is a real challenge!!! meditating and asanas daily was just moving right along, really smooth and with ease until sunday! my soon to be 4 yoa son woke up sick sunday morning and i followed not too far after on monday night. that, as i said earlier, has thrown a little wrench in my daily meditation and asana practice. i've still been able to maintain the practice with the exception of last night (fell asleep before meditating) but it's definitely been a different experience. whether i've had medication in my system or not i've definitely been able to tune into the subtle, and sometimes not so subtle, differences in my body during these quite and still times while i've been sick. though this may not be greater goal of meditation it has been interesting and i've appreciated it. i'm also very okay with knowing that i've not been able to get beyond my body since i've been sick. in the past i would have been frustrated and vying for the end of the sickness but this time it's been different. i've enjoyed caring for myself and my son, it's nice to be in this place of acceptance and going with the ebb and flow. i know without a doubt that's the greater benefit of the regular practice of meditating, prayer, devotion, asanas, and service.

fri. 8/22 - tues. 8/26/08

so i continue to meditate twice daily and practice asanas... had a wonderful weekend for our training weekend. really enjoyed my time a little more freely and openly, ofcourse this translates into me speaking more and perhaps sharing in ways that may or may not be relevant for others but i wasn't too concerned with those outcomes this weekend as i felt i needed that opportunity. also, what i don't feel i need to share in class i had wonderful opportunities w/friends, one-on-one to share and process! one of which is a dear friend who just returned from service work abroad in many countries and a couple continents. one project involved living and serving folks in india who were in recovery from heroin, which was an amazing experience... so it was very nice to share w/her and process our experiences of this culturally significant practice (meditation/asanas) and how we relate it to our experiences.

it was very refreshing to hear her perspective of me and how i'm weaving these ideas in w/my christian foundation. she actually asked me if i was thinking of letting go of the christian paradigm and was relieved to hear i was not and that this experience has only grown and enriched my appreciation for my christian roots, not taken away. she comes from a Jewish family and feels she has had a very different experience in her religious/spiritual foundation building as a child and this is affecting her assimilation differently than mine. we compared and contrasted and enjoyed this time. she did say to me something that i still am humbled and is probably one of the greatest compliments i've ever been given. she stated she was so glad that i was continuing in my christian beliefs (while able to incorporate others and not buy into the whole "one and only way" belief) because she always regarded me as one of the "good Christians" that exemplify the teachings of Jesus. whew! i was totally overwhelmed w/emotion (couldn't help but tear up a little) as i surely know i'm not comfortable w/thinking of myself as a "good christian" but absolutely appreciative of her intention with this remark as i've devoted my whole life to be more like Jesus.

God knew i needed these experiences this weekend. i'm reminded of how everything does matter, my impact on others (good or bad and far beyond what i can ever know), and the importance of keeping an open mind and striving to hold unconditional positive regard (thanks rogers!)/unconditional love of others because we are all human in our divinity as Jesus so eloquently exemplified for me... i also know that if i am to give back to my community here in rural, western NC it is crucial i balance and assimilate these two traditions in a way that is genuine and accessible for all, not just a few. that is my path, i know this and i am grateful. i'm humbled that i'm grateful because this place of acceptance has taken many, many years to arrive with many, many bumps and bruises along the way. i no longer need those bumps and bruises as i have in the past... thanks be to God, shanti, shanti, shanti

sun. 8/17-thurs. 8/21/08

so i've meditated twice daily (except monday night) and did asanas everyday... continue to move forward w/job search and these practices, along w/others are making all the difference. it was beginning to look like i may have to compromise some ideals i've developed about the next job i took but something came along yesterday that is giving me hope. i'd felt all along that something i wasn't aware of would "pop" up and sure enough it did. it seemed so random however i have no doubt that there was nothing random about it... we'll see how it pans out, in the meantime i'm continuing forward w/faith knowing that God and many others are w/me in this process. i'm grateful and becoming much less fearful, dare i say, i'm not afraid;-)...

fri. 8/15 - sat. 8/16/08

in continue to meditate twice daily and do asanas and continue to see the positive impacts... so i think i am continuing to come out of those murky 4th cakra waters as i am able to relax more in situations that required much clearer, rigid boundaries in the not so distant past. as i go into serious job hunting mode i pray this continues...

i'm looking forward to seeing how mine and my husband's financial situation unfolds, we're both feeling very positive and only envisioning the best! we both are called to serve others and want to continue in that calling while being able to meet our family's basic needs... i imagine i'll be returning to some sort of work involving mental health and he wishes to be in the school system. it is still just a teency bit scary for me as i've been home since jan. 08 w/our son and really working on issues to bring myself more in balance. during this time my husband and i have been fortunate to get temporary income but his job dissolved as of monday and my income will end in sept. we've not really told anyone about his job, which has been hard at times, especially not telling my mother, but right now we both agree we just don't need the negativity associated with people's fear of these sort of situations. this has greatly increased my reliance on God and faith, as well as i think strengthened our (mine, my husband, and son) bond with one another just knowing and trusting we'll be provided.

wed. 8/13 - thurs. 8/14/08

well, continue to asanas and meditate twice daily... continue to get confirmation that this is indeed what i need to be doing. i'm looking to ramp up my job search which is still a little scary but yet exciting as i plan to incorporate my new found skills this time around and hopefully will prevent me from losing myself as i've done in the past. the idea of finding the balance while working full time again seems overwhelming but i don't know, because of recent changes in our income situation, that i can afford to do otherwise. i hope and pray for the wisdom to choose a path conducive to mine and my family's happiness and spiritual growth. also, i'd like to have some fun with the new income source... also been thinking that i'd enjoying doing a yoga class for kids/families... we'll see what comes!

tues. 8/12/08

i meditated last night and this morning, as well as completed about 6 asanas yesterday and 3 so far today... i think i'm still coming out of my blah, because of some change of events as well as a seemingly answered prayer i really don't have any other choice than to get out of the blah! well, i do but i'm going to choose to go on out. i think i have been in those murky waters that we talked and read about in the 4th cakra work, i'm hoping i am going to emerge as that warrior that i know i am and better able to lead w/the heart. i think i'm seeing that i'm already taking those steps w/recent events, God give me the strength, wisdom, and courage to continue...

sun. 8/10/08 - mon. 8/11/08

so i'm feeling much better as of yesterday and so far today... i am very appreciative of the ever increasing knowledge of the coping skills and, well, just down right faith in God i'm developing with the addition of daily meditation. yes, the asanas help too but mostly the meditations. i'm very content today, as well as yesterday too. God continues to make right what i may have made wrong as my intention continues to be of service to Him. this is taking a very different path than what it would have in the past. it is requiring much faith, patience, and trust in the Divine and constantly not "buying" (literally & figuratively) into the world's idea of happiness or service. i don't want to go back, God won't let me anyway... i'm grateful!

wed. 7/30 - sat. 8/9/08

well, it's been a while and i know why... i've been really not into the whole yoga thing these days. i'm tired of doing all this stuff, tired of about everything right now, however i know this will pass and that's why i've all but forced myself to sit and do this blog.

i've been meditating and doing asanas (anywhere from about 1 to 8 a day) but i didn't attend a class until this past thurs. (went to joyce's studio and loved it, will continue to go there from here forward). though i felt i needed that break i can see where i begin to let too much tamas in and that takes me into some feelings of depression. i've missed two meditations during the last week and a half and i really miss those when i don't do them... i'm still trying to find that balance and just haven't quite found it yet. i've really been contemplating giving up on the program too but deep down i know i'm just going through a yuck phase right now and will be glad i didn't give up. i think it's time to try another routine altogether which will definately involve me getting up earlier. uggh, i just don't know that i want to right now but, well, we'll see...

i have also been experimenting with a new mantra and chanting routine... really just kind of mixing it up. it is a christian mantra as i've been spending some time researching christianity and yoga (those two do go very well together). that has been interesting. i've not decided on my project yet so i may do something regarding what i've been learning on these two subjects. okay, well, that's about all for now...

tues. 7/22/08 - tues. 7/29/08

i've had a great week... we decided, well actually i decided, that we needed a little beach getaway on the spur of the moment. jon was off fri. and i have a b-day this fri. and we'd been talking about what we wanted to do. all the old ideas just didn't seem appealling... i was considering doing a seemingly interesting continuing ed. on individuation (jung) but i think the money was better spent on all of us for a little getaway. indeed it was just what we needed! however i did lapse 2 times on my meditation, as i fell asleep prior to doing this. of the other times i did meditate, i did have a wonderful experience meditating on the beach. asanas we're completed also, all throughout the days just to help keep everything moving while traveling. we're all doing asanas these days, last wed. night we all completed asanas and i did shavasana massage w/my husband and son. it was very nice. still feeling like i'm wading through some muck but putting more and more energy into not being so hard on myself. i need to remember my original intention of this whole training, it wasn't to be a yoga teacher or a yogi or any of those things but to develop greater personal care skills. for me, caring for myself doesn't need to be forced or someone else's idea of what that means but what it means for God and i and my awesome loved ones. shedding ideas of what "should" be and what "is" is enough work in and of itself for me. when i think about that everything else almost just seems silly. the other stuff will happen if it is to be... i can't be tied to my idea of the outcomes, they're never as good anyway;-) i don't know where all of this is leading but i have to keep my faith, as i have no reason to doubt it and i only get into more trouble when i do and try to "make" things happen. relying on faith and surrendering is so wonderful but a constant practice. i'm thankful to be learning...

sat. 7/12/08 - mon. 7/21/08

soooo, last weekend my husband, son, and i spent the weekend in asheville. this was a great opportunity to test myself on just how do-able my new practices are while in an environment that i have very little, if any, control over the variables (which could easily be distractions if i allow) that could prevent this practice. it went very well, i just had to continue to remind myself of not being attached to the outcomes, or the "things" i like to have in order to get me there (meditating, as well as asana practice). i was proud of myself, but i didn't want to be attached to that either so i was grateful to God for this further integration.... once we came home i observed how the travel effected my practices throughout the week as the beginning of the week wasn't as regimented as before i left to go out of town. however i tried to just observe this with as little judgement as possible because otherwise i became too hard on myself and began making negative judgements about self worth, etc. which always get me in trouble. again, i had to trust that God was with me in all and all is well in God.

i continue to meditate twice daily, even when i think i can't, i really just have to because it has truly become part of my day. the same as praying, eating, loving my family, etc. during the next weekend (7/18 - 7/20) while at yoga teacher training i had two very intense meditations as the room was very quite and it was in a group. these meditations reminded me of past visions i've had about my role and serving others. lately i've been afraid of moving forward with this but i've put the fear aside and began taking on the role more and more of serving others. these meditations validated what has been coming clearer... it's time to increase the serving. currently this is by making myself more available to more than my select few that i feel safest because i have a lot to give. the vision in the meditation assured me of this, as well as my support from ALL around me. i've been doing more of this already over the past couple weeks. it has been very draining on me and i'm by no means perfect but that's okay because God continues to provide the assurance i need as long as i surrender. God knows when i'm weak and i see His constant interceding. and that too is just so humbling. the self worth issues arise too, but this is just another form of not trusting and having faith in God so i have to let those go.

for the last twenty years i've been avoiding my power. though i've always had some running knowledge of it, i've not fully embraced it and relied on God. i've made false attempts, many of these even brought "success" for a while but they all have ultimately failed me. God is the only One that hasn't. He is the only One that will not, as He is the Source. it's hilarious that i need so many reminders of this, and even more hilarious that He does it! why??? i wonder so often but i'm beginning more and more to not have to know why but accept and do while leaving the rest to Him, as that is all He wants. wow!!! i do love this! as much as i may appear and act as i don't, when i do surrender it is truly amazing and it makes me want to do it more and more and more...

the Sutras were solace for me over the past few weeks. they reminded me of what i've always known from the Bible, the I Ching, etc. but more importantly, as i heard in my meditation, i had it all along. i know all of this, it is innate in me. the understanding comes so easily for me. i have to really watch this however because the ego likes too that it comes easily. i don't want to abuse this Power and will continue to work on myself, with God and in God, to minimize and prevent abuse... again, my focus has to be to serve God, not myself. however as i know too well, He'll remind me if i forget... the intensity of the reminders are all up to me. i sure hope i'm paying attention the first time;-)!

tues. 7/8/08 - fri. 7/11/08

wow! though the resistance still remains, the results are undeniable... though everyday i get a little whisper from "tamas" about practicing yoga (all that it entails) it is becoming quiter and not near as seducing. though today i've taken it easy (tamas and i hung out some this morning as raja had worn me out this week), the other days have been very busy wading through my past inertia that left quite a financial mess for all of us. what i've accomplished this week would not have happened in the past using "my" means. as i continue to surrender more and more to my True Self, the Divine within, amazing things happen. i still get a little concerned that it could all fall apart very quickly but i find that i am able to transform that fear into motivation to keep putting one foot in front of the other... meditate even if i can barely stay awake, do asanas even during the "5 day break" (even if it's just 2 or 3), utilize the 4 keys from the sutras when interacting w/others even when my mind chatters otherwise, etc. so, everyday i get this just a little more, or a lot more. it's getting easier and i'm grateful, humbled, and joyous!

fri. 7/4/08 - mon. 7/7/08

what a wonderful holiday weekend! one of my brothers that lives in ga. came into town and brought his new girlfriend. they seem very happy together and make an adorable couple. we spent the whole weekend w/friends and family... it was such a wonderful time! we went out on the lake, had a block party at my parents w/fireworks, lot's of grilling out/cooking for each other, sharing old & new memories, hiking around on our family farm, etc.

i'm definately seeing the fruits of my labor as this was the sort of weekend that in the not so distant past i would've spent most of my time distracted by things that don't fulfill (i.e. substances) "trying" to "relax" and "enjoy" myself as opposed to completely immersing myself into the moment and truly living life as i did this weekend w/my loved ones in this beautiful place we live. i was also able to maintain my commitment to meditation twice daily, asana practice, prayer, devotion, service to others, and all that other good stuff! it feels great to finally be finding my balance and enjoying the flow! the old ways continue to become less and less attractive as i rediscover my True self... i still have weak moments but they are little power now and i've got so many tools to transcend that they pass quickly. my transformation is also rubbing off on everyone around me and we all just keep inspiring each other, it's amazing! i am grateful.

thurs. 6/26/08 - thurs. 7/3/08

i continue to meditate twice daily and have greatly expanded my asana practice. really practicing the standard subtle yoga class. i practice teaching it sometimes too. i've also began getting up earlier so that i have time to do all of this. the goal is to get it all in before my son wakes up. most the time that happens but sometimes it doesn't but he's getting very good at knowing that mommy does meditation and asanas every morning so he waits until i'm done. he'll join me sometimes too. that's usually pretty fun and funny!

i'm getting much better w/boundaries, keeping a positive attitude and continuing to be grateful and non-judgemental as possible. it's really working! it doesn't mean things are perfect and utopia but it does mean that i can go with the flow w/more ease and less distractions... i'm grateful for this whole experience and am finding myself getting comfortable w/beginning to pass this on to others than just my husband and son. i'm also getting more comfortable with the idea of teaching and it's actually getting exciting for me, however i'm keeping the intention of not getting too attached to any ideas of how that has to manifest.

well, my son and i need to get a picnic packed... happy 4th!

wed. 6/17/08- wed. 6/25/08

i'm still meditating everyday, twice a day and completing at least 3-6 asanas. i have begun to do more asanas related to helping arthritis per Asana Pranayama Mudra Bandha Anti-Rheumatic group. i also took a break last week from yoga class as my wrists and knees were hurting a lot! i'm going to go to a beginner class today (if they're still having it, i hope so!!) because i want to build back up gradually while my wrists and knees are healing. i'm also trying to create new ways of holding my wrists when doing chores, gardening, etc. so to build the muscle and not hurt anymore.

so, as i've been taking better care of my body, i'm noticing the need to make stronger boundaries with the relationships in my life. i've felt the need to retreat and be closer w/my son, husband, parents & brothers, and really haven't had much desire for much else. it seems that beyond this circle of family all else seems not so important, actually it seems like a bunch of hubbub! all this swirling, like people are just spinning their wheels trying to make it all happen. it's a turn off... as i say that i am also aware that i am passing a judgement and am trying to work on that as well. i'm trying to spend more of my energy/prana being able to decifer my own judgement vs. God revealing to me, but i also understand that that is an amazing skill that i have yet to feel confident.

that said, i again have to rely purely on faith, faith in God, faith in my relationship w/God, and faith in the day-to-day. this is still scary at times but we are reaping the benefits and i am in awe! jon and i have less income than ever in our lives (as i'm not working) yet all of our bills are getting paid on time, we're getting out of debt, and we are very happy! it's a very simple sort of living but we are very happy and experiencing amazing healing in our relationship w/each other and our families.

tues. 6/10/08 - tues. 6/17/08

i'm continuing to meditate twice a day everyday... i have to at this point. even when i am sooo sleepy at night and just want to lay my head down and go to bed, i have to meditate.

i've been through a lot recently, as i shared in class, God has really been giving me many opportunities to change the patterns from the multigenerational transmission of genes. i come from a long line of hard, yes, that's the key word here, hard working, only getting what you need by the sweat of your brow folk. not that there is anything wrong with that but unfortunately upon all the hard work they would abuse, instead of reward themselves with rest. the abuse came in many forms, well, all the forms we know. these actions reinforced a pattern of low self worth and the feeling of not having enough.

my parents have both made tremendous steps in breaking these chains and i am so thankful. they have been a catalyst of change for both of their families. my 3 brothers and i have been given the example of both honest work for honest pay balanced with rest. rest in God ultimately. this is still an on-going balancing act for them. sometimes they balance it themselves, often times one balances serves to balance the other.

for the last 10 - 15 years i'd been operating under the guise of work hard/play hard. well, that worked for about that long but the toll really begin to show since becoming a mother. i'm having to renegotiate every aspect of my life and perspective and God is giving me the opportunity to do so. daily meditation and asanas are yet another tool He's providing me to use to assist in this balancing act. i was unfortunately finding myself heading down the path of self abuse with substances and environments that were unhealthy. fortunately i was able to see that not only was this self abuse but a form of abuse to my family as i know that if i'm not taking really good care of me, i can't take care of my loved one's or anyone/thing else. it is a moment by moment journey. i'm excited where this path is taking me as i know i am here to do something big! i've always known this. not big in worldly terms but big in Divine terms. the something big is happening now as i break those old chains that bound the generations before me... thank God for this opportunity!

6/6/08 - 6/9/08

hooray!!! i've meditated twice a day everyday thus far! i'm beginning to get into sync. i've been completing approx. 6-12 asanas a day, typically done at meditation and throughout the day. i'm seeing the positive results and will continue on this path and am so thankful!

6/5/08

i meditated twice yesterday and once this morning. my intention was faithfulness, as my devotional spoke of how faithfulness = restfulness in God. wow, that's powerful stuff. it also spoke of God's gentle voice and how all these things create healing and rest that allow us to become more powerful in Him. as i said yesterday, i've definately turned a corner in my spiritual life, it's been in my ability to surrender. i'm faithful that this is the way! oh, yeah, i completed about 8 asanas w/my son yesterday, it was fun!!! i will complete some later this afternoon for today but have done a couple already.

a new day (summaries of experience for 5/23 - 6/4/08)

okay, okay, okay, i know i've really let this go... yes my internet was down for about a week but there was more than that going on and i'm just going to leave it at that because today is a new day!

i've been meditating at least once a day, everyday over the past couple weeks that i've not blogged, only on 3 of those days (yesterday, last tues. & last fri.) did i meditate twice. i've been in a process (especially since dec. 07) of eliminating barriers/obstacles in my life that interfere w/mine and my family's happiness and success in our lives together. over the last couple weeks i've been busy again w/eliminating some big one's. today was a big day!

this transformation is such a subtle, moment by moment process that often times feels like i'm making no progress at all. some days, however, i take leaps in this growth and these moments serve as proof of the validity of these new practices (daily meditation & asanas) paired w/some well established practices (prayer & devotion). i'm humbled that i continue to have these opportunities to grow and appreciate the depth of my transformation of returning to my true, divine self, a child of God here only by Grace to serve others in His image.

i'm grateful, hopeful, and again, very humbled by all. i've been in a lot of emotional pain lately. though often i despair, i am able to understand that this is necessary in teaching me to rely more and more on God. when i think of it in this way, i am thankful for this opportunity: this opportunity to greater know my limitations and understand Gods' lack of limitation. even more so, those closest to me are transforming in the same fashion and i'm just in total awe of God's power, compassion, strength, forgiveness, and love. i still struggle w/feeling worthy of this but i trust God will take this too... i'm on the cusp of something great and i'm so thankful i have the ability to know this, discern this, and be humbled by this.